


Not Quite Like Old Times

by AnnaRaven



Series: Tumblr Smut Prompts [9]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Anal Fingering, Blow Jobs, Explicit Sexual Content, Hand Jobs, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-15
Updated: 2018-07-15
Packaged: 2019-06-08 06:26:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15237396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnaRaven/pseuds/AnnaRaven
Summary: Joker had a terrible secret - a deep, abiding and never-acted-upon crush on Kaidan 'Boy Scout' Alenko. When the Normandy went down and the crew split up, Joker assumed his chance had passed him by. But then a random encounter in a bar revealed that his feelings weren't exactly unrequited...Written for Rare Pair Day of Kaidan Porn Week over on Tumblr to fit the prompt “I could really use a fuck right now”





	Not Quite Like Old Times

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Estalfaed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Estalfaed/gifts).



Joker was sober enough to know he should stop drinking, but drunk enough not to care. He was going to make the most of this shore leave, enjoy his time away from the constant simmering tension that pervaded the Normandy these days. Shepard was the same, but different; the red-tinted scars on his face were a visible reminder of how and where he’d changed since Cerberus brought him back. He’d always been the strong silent type, but now he never spoke to anyone except to give an order or vent his frustration about something. Joker had tried using his own-brand sarcasm on the guy a few times, hoping to wring out a smile, but all he ever got was stony contemplation so he’d given up.

He looked down into his drink, wondering if switching from beer to bourbon had been a good idea. Then a dark-haired man slid onto the bar stool beside him, and he was suddenly very glad for the liquid courage running through his blood. Kaidan looked as good as he always had – strong jaw, thick hair, broad shoulders and smooth skin – and seeing him after all this time was like a punch in the gut. There was a tightness around his eyes that had never been there before, maybe a downward turn to those full lips, but otherwise he still looked like a goddamn movie star.

Joker paused before speaking; he almost didn’t, but then couldn’t stop his mouth from doing its own thing. “Hey there, Boy Scout.”

Kaidan’s head whipped around, the surprise fading into something sharper and cooler. “Joker,” he said with a stiff nod. “You look well.”

“Yeah, I got a new haircut,” Joker said, taking a drink, indulging the familiar urge to needle the guy. “I see you’re sticking with the classic duck’s ass look, though.”

Kaidan frowned, and Joker felt a spike of guilt. “Nice talking to you,” Kaidan said insincerely, standing to leave.

“Hey, wait,” Joker said urgently, and Kaidan paused. “I, uh…I’m sorry, okay? I guess…I didn’t really know how to talk to you, so I went with ‘flippant and inappropriate’. Don’t tell me you’re shocked.”

Kaidan’s cloudy expression cleared a touch, then he sat back down. “Not even a little.”

“Some things never change,” Joker said, an attempt at conciliation.

“And some things really do,” Kaidan said. He gestured to the bartender, who set down a whisky without asking.

Joker watched him for a moment, studied the strong profile that was so familiar yet so distant. “If you’ll forgive the cheesy line – you must come here often if you have a regular order.”

“I guess,” Kaidan shrugged. “I’ve been stationed on the Citadel for a while, since I left Horizon.”

“Ah, Horizon,” Joker said, nodding. “The word that shall not be mentioned.”

Kaidan frowned, sipped his drink. “How do you mean?”

Joker’s smile was rueful. “Ever since you and Shepard had your little spat, he’s been even more dour and unpleasant than usual. When Garrus suggested he needed to move past Horizon, the commander punched a bulkhead and broke his knuckles. It’s been kind of a touchy subject ever since.”

Kaidan’s brow had taken on that pinched upturn that Joker always wanted to kiss away. “Really? I…I had no idea he felt that way.” He took another drink, turning the glass in his hands. “It wasn’t pretty back there. We were both angry, both convinced that we were right, and…well, you know how stubborn Shepard can be.”

“Yeah, _Shepard’s_ the stubborn one around here,” Joker said with a smirk.

“Hey, he’s _way_ worse than me,” Kaidan said. His smile was brief, but genuine. “That was weeks ago, though – I can’t believe he’s still mad at me. I sent him a message, tried to apologise, but he never responded.”

“He’s…not quite how he used to be,” Joker said. “I mean, he’s still him, but…something’s just off somewhere.”

Kaidan nodded. “I guess dying’ll do that to you.” Immediately his head snapped up, his eyes meeting Joker’s. “Shit…I shouldn’t have…I’m sorry.”

Joker swallowed the last of his drink to quell the swirling in his guts. “Forget it. I probably deserved it.”

“No, you didn’t – I should have thought about what I was saying,” Kaidan said. “I don’t blame you for what happened to Shepard; I never did.” He was so earnest, so beautiful; Joker reflected sourly that he would probably forgive the man anything.

“Thanks,” Joker said quietly, then gestured for another round of drinks. “Damn it all, we need to get smashed and lighten up a little. I’ve had enough guilt-ridden introspection to last a lifetime.”

“I will definitely drink to that,” Kaidan said, draining his glass and accepting the new drink. “So how’s life as a Cerberus traitor treating you – managing to sleep okay at night?”

Joker looked sideways at him. “See, I know you’re a masochist, but do you _really_ want to talk about that?”

“No,” Kaidan said, his scarred lip quirking upwards. “Just wanted to see your face.”

Joker laughed before he could stop himself. “Damn, Alenko, that was cold – guess you’re not such a Boy Scout any more, huh?”

“I don’t think I ever was,” Kaidan said. “I mean sure, I look like a proper Alliance soldier – work hard, fall in line, salute on demand. But there’s a lot about me, about my past, that people don’t know. Nobody ever really looks hard enough to see beyond the ‘perfect soldier’ image.”

“I don’t know about that,” Joker said, taking a drink and choosing his words. “Shepard always saw something special in you.”

Kaidan’s smile was bitter. “Once, maybe.”

“That’s one thing that Cerberus does right – no fraternisation regs,” Joker said, feeling bold. “Imagine how different things might have been if the Alliance worked the same way.”

“I don’t think that would have helped anything,” Kaidan said, shaking his head. “In fact, I think it would’ve made things worse.”

“I know it wouldn’t change how things turned out,” Joker said. “But at least you and Shepard would have had – ”

“No,” Kaidan cut in. “I don’t…Shepard was never interested in me that way.”

“You sure about that?” Joker asked, a touch incredulous. “Because from where I was sitting, it sure seemed like he was.”

“Trust me,” Kaidan said with a wry smile. He glanced over at Joker, searching his eyes for a moment; the intensity of it echoed in Joker’s chest. “I guess it doesn’t matter any more if I tell you – late one evening, back on the SR-1, I saw Shepard in the mess and…I was tired and not thinking straight, and I said something flirty before my brain could catch up with me…and Shepard shut me down hard. And it wasn’t because of the regs,” he added, forestalling Joker’s protest. “He told me in no uncertain terms that he respected me and nothing more. It hurt, but it cleared the air. After that he was like a brother, confided in me sometimes, but that’s all it was.”

“Huh,” Joker said, eyebrows raised. “Well. That’ll teach _me_ for making assumptions.” He cleared his throat and asked, “So since we’re in the mood for sharing – was there anyone back in the day that you would have been bumping uglies with, given the chance?”

Kaidan looked incredulous for a moment, then started laughing. “I don’t know why I’m shocked that you’d ask me that; subtlety never was your thing.”

“Life’s too short to pussyfoot around,” Joker said, grinning at Kaidan’s laughter, enjoying how much looser and happier he seemed. “So?”

Kaidan flushed, cleared his throat. “Uh, well…let’s just establish that I was always focused on the mission when it counted, before I go any further.”

“Duly noted,” Joker said, a smile hovering that he couldn’t contain.

Kaidan took a deep breath and said, “I’d be lying if I said I never thought about Ash that way.” Before the mood dipped again, he went on, “And there was a systems tech officer with a work station outside the cockpit who kinda caught my eye.”

“Matt Farrow,” Joker nodded. “Sure, he seems your type – tall, surly, bumpy in all the right places…”

Kaidan chuckled. “Alright, smartass, who did _you_ have your eye on?”

“There _was_ one guy,” Joker said carefully. “He was quite impressive, actually – handsome, capable, funny when he wasn’t taking everything too seriously…you could even call him the perfect soldier.”

Kaidan’s smile slipped, his eyes darkening almost imperceptibly. “Oh yeah? You, uh…you going to tell me who he was?”

Joker’s heart thumped; his stomach rolled. He pondered the wisdom of what he was about to say for approximately half a second before opening his mouth. “You, actually.”

Kaidan’s thick eyebrows jumped, his lips parting as he breathed in sharply. “ _Me?_ ”

Joker nodded, raised his tumbler to his mouth before he said another stupid thing.

“You never said anything,” Kaidan went on, a note of wonder in his tone. “I mean, you were such an _asshole_ to me.”

“Charming,” Joker said dryly.

“No, I mean – not _all_ the time, obviously…” Kaidan paused, sat back in his seat. “Sorry, I’m just having trouble absorbing this.”

“Just seemed like now was a good time to let the humiliating cat out of the bag, since we’re not likely to bump into each other again after tonight,” Joker said, already regretting being so forthright. “Confession is good for the soul, so they tell me.” He risked a glance at Kaidan, who looked utterly bewildered. “Forget I said it – it’s not like I’m asking for anything, so don’t worry.”

Kaidan just nodded, brow turning down into that ‘overthinking’ frown. “Right. Yeah.”

An awkward silence fell. Joker was hyper aware that Kaidan was still looking at him, unmoving, unresponsive. Finally, unable to take the tension, Joker burst out, “Would you stop thinking about it, already?”

Kaidan cleared his throat, but when he spoke his voice was husky. “Actually, I was just thinking I could use a fuck right now.”

Joker blinked. His mouth went dry. His heartbeat accelerated. His stomach rolled. Kaidan smiled, and there was a predatory edge to it that Joker had never seen before.

“And you’re telling me this because…?” Joker croaked. He could guess why but he wanted to hear Kaidan say it and besides, he’d always liked being obtuse.

By way of an answer, Kaidan rested a hand on Joker’s thigh, leaned in close and kissed him.

* * *

“This is a terrible fucking idea,” Joker gasped, breathless, his back against the wall and his hands in Kaidan’s hair.

“Probably,” Kaidan murmured against his throat, hands working up under Joker’s shirt.

“I mean, a spur of the moment one-night stand with Captain Canada? What the hell am I thinking?” Joker said, hating and loving how much he needed it anyway.

“I thought this was something you’d always wanted,” Kaidan teased.

“I’m _so_ glad I told you that,” Joker snarked, but it came out more sincere than he’d intended.

“Tell me what you thought about,” Kaidan said, his gaze heated and intense.

“You’ll have to be more specific, I think about a lotta things,” Joker said, wondering idly why he could never just answer a straight question.

“Aright then,” Kaidan said, and grabbed Joker’s hips; with his hands and his body, he pressed Joker against the wall while his eyes locked him in place. “When you fantasised about me, what was I doing to you?”

Joker’s eyelids fluttered and he couldn’t suppress a needy groan. “ _Fuck_ …uh, I used to imagine that you came into the cockpit and sucked me off in my chair.”

Embarrassment seared through him at haven spoken the words out loud, but Kaidan’s grin made it worth it. “I can work with that.”

Kaidan tugged Joker away from the wall, steering him across the lounge to sit in a leather recliner by the floor-to-ceiling window. “Turn around and look out the window,” he said, stepping back out of Joker’s eyeline.

“If this is a lame set up for Hide and Seek,” Joker began, but then cut himself off. He looked out through the spotless glass and watched the skycars zipping past, points of light against the darkness. It was almost like looking out of the Normandy from his pilot’s chair, with a little imagination.

“Joker,” said Kaidan’s voice behind him, brisk and business-like. “Shepard sent me to check on things up here after that nav-com malfunction.”

Joker smiled, joyous anticipation stirring. “Great, I love being spied on by unqualified technicians in my own cockpit,” he said, playing along, adopting the bored tone he’d always used to mock Kaidan.

“I’m not rising to that one,” Kaidan said, walking up beside Joker’s chair. His shirt was tucked neatly back into his pants, buttoned up to his throat, and he stood in parade rest. “If you don’t need help, you could just say so.”

Joker sighed heavily, even as his excitement grew. “Well, I guess some of the displays have been a little screwy, so it wouldn’t hurt to hang around just in case.”

“Why Joker, of course I’ll help you,” Kaidan said brightly. It was all so similar to the banter they used to share that an odd sense of wellbeing crept over Joker.

“Just don’t play with the controls,” Joker said, like he always had.

“Fine. I’ll play with something else instead.” Smoothly Kaidan stepped in front of Joker, placed his hands on the armrests and leaned down to kiss him.

Joker’s mouth opened for him straight away, and he shivered when their tongues touched. The kiss was languid, thorough, and Joker’s hands curled into fists on his thighs as he fought not to touch Kaidan. After an eternity, Kaidan drew back a couple of inches to look into Joker’s eyes. “If I really had kissed you back then, would you have made it this easy?” he almost-whispered. His mouth moved to Joker’s ear, teeth tugging gently. 

Joker groaned, his half-hard cock swelling in his pants. “I…uh, I don’t…”

Kaidan just smiled, then sank to his knees. He never broke eye contact as he unfastened Joker’s pants and left them hanging open. “Is this how it went in your fantasies?” he asked, _and really, that voice should be illegal_.

“Almost,” Joker said, shifting a little to relieve the pressure on his groin. “Except you have too many clothes on.”

Without a word, Kaidan sat back on his heels and began to unbutton his shirt. Joker watched every single button come loose, his eyes moving to the widening band of visible skin. It was almost hypnotic, building the tension deliciously, until the shirt lay pooled on the floor. Kaidan’s body was all he’d hoped, all he’d imagined; tightly muscled with smooth caramel skin, peppered with scars and dusted with fine dark hair.

“Better?” Kaidan asked.

Joker just shook his head. “And the rest.”

Kaidan stood easily, fluidly. He took off his pants and underwear without any flashiness, but it was pretty close to the sexiest thing Joker had ever witnessed. His cock was hard, glistening at the tip, shorter than in Joker’s fantasies but beautifully thick. “What next?” Kaidan asked.

“I think you know,” Joker said, lifting his ass off the seat enough to pull his pants down below his knees. The cool air on his rigid dick felt good; so did the hunger in Kaidan’s eyes. Joker tried to relax as Kaidan knelt between his legs, heart beating madly before he’d even been touched. Kaidan put his hands on Joker’s knees and ran them up his thighs, meeting Joker’s gaze. He leaned in and nuzzled into Joker’s groin, stubble brushing against his dick, and Joker stifled a gasp. Then Kaidan sat up, licked his lips, and put his mouth where Joker wanted it most.

At first his tongue was light and teasing, flicking around the head, spreading the clear fluid that betrayed Joker’s arousal. Then he brought a hand up to curl around the base of Joker’s cock, squeezing firmly but gently, and sealed his lips around the shaft. His hand jacked Joker’s dick as his mouth descended, and Joker thrust helplessly upwards. Kaidan didn’t pause, moving to accommodate him, his mouth and hand working in a smooth, continuous rhythm. Joker looked down his body at Kaidan, fighting to control his erratic breathing, hands clutching the armrests as though they were the only anchor he had. Pleasure curled like smoke through his veins, excitement building and building until it seemed it would burst through his skin. Then Kaidan stopped, and Joker gasped out loud.

Kaidan smiled, a little too smugly, and came up on his knees; he grasped the back of Joker’s head and pulled him in for a deep, bitter kiss. His hands made short work of Joker’s shirt, and he pulled away long enough to help him take it off. He scratched his nails through the hair on Joker’s chest, circled his nipples, then leaned in to explore with his lips and teeth and tongue. Joker threaded a hand into Kaidan’s dark hair, unravelling it into curls he’d never suspected were there. Then Kaidan sat back and pulled Joker’s pants right down, sliding them off each foot with care until he was naked. Hooking his hands around the back of Joker’s knees, he pulled forward gently until Joker was slumped in the chair, ass right at the edge, and spread his knees wider apart.

“You realise you just dragged my bare ass across your leather chair, right?” Joker said, falling back onto humour to escape the wild, spinning sensation in his heart and his body.

“Mm-hmm,” Kaidan replied casually. He picked up a tube beside the chair and spread lube over his fingers then slid them between Joker’s cheeks, pressing lightly over his hole; Joker had to close his eyes and remind himself to breathe.

This time when Kaidan took Joker in, there was nothing teasing about it. His hand and mouth took up that perfect rhythm again, but this time it was quicker, rougher. The tip of Joker’s cock slid against the roof of Kaidan’s mouth with every swipe, building the pleasure in sharp bursts of friction and heat. Kaidan’s tongue worked against the underside of his head at the same time, and Joker couldn’t contain the needy, humiliating whine that rose unbidden from his throat. Then Kaidan pressed a finger deep into Joker’s ass, curling and exploring, and his excitement spiked higher than ever.

Kaidan lifted his head, both hands still working Joker over. “Did you ever imagine Shepard watching us?” he asked, a wicked gleam in his eye. “Can’t you just picture him standing over there, his eyes fixed on your cock sliding into my mouth?”

“Holy fuck,” Joker sputtered, barely holding onto his self-control.

“Don’t hold back,” Kaidan said.  "I want to watch you come undone." His mouth sank back onto Joker, sucking and bobbing and twisting until electric sparks fired down the length of Joker’s spine and he erupted in orgasm. He yanked at Kaidan’s hair, forcing his head back so he could come on his face, fulfiling a fantasy he hadn't dared speak out loud. It went on forever, the intensity gradually dimming to a joyous glow, warmth suffusing his whole body.

Kaidan chuckled, honey and gravel, and wiped his face clean. He reached for Joker’s hand and spread some lube over his unresisting fingers before standing, his erect cock bobbing tantalising in front of him. It was a thing of beauty; dark and glistening at the tip, thick and veined at the base. Eyes on Joker, Kaidan climbed onto the chair; there was enough room either side of Joker that Kaidan didn’t have to rest any weight on him as he straddled his lap. Kaidan leaned in to kiss him again, tugging at Joker’s clean hand to bring it to his cock. They began to jerk him off together, calloused fingers twisting and pulling in sync. It was obvious how close Kaidan was from the fast pace he set, and Joker was mesmerised by the pleasure flickering across his handsome face. When Kaidan groaned out his name, Joker felt a lazy pulse of arousal despite himself.

“Put your finger in my ass,” Kaidan moaned.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Joker breathed, reaching around behind Kaidan, unable to resist squeezing the ass he’d admired so many times. He brought his lubed fingers to Kaidan’s hole, pressing firmly, watching the reactions he got.

“Do it, _fuck_ , please,” Kaidan whined, flushed, sweat-sheened, a wet dream come to life.

Joker slid a finger into the clenching warmth, forcing a second past the resistance, copying the curving motion Kaidan had used on him. Kaidan jerked on his lap, head falling back as he cried out. He sped up the movement of their hands, writhing on Joker’s lap, fucking up into their shared grip and then down onto the fingers inside him. Joker looked down at their joined hands, the deep red head of Kaidan’s cock as it appeared and disappeared between them. He could smell clean sweat and cologne, feel the slipping dampness of Kaidan’s thighs above his own. He wanted to hold this memory forever, the unlikely perfection of it, and store it away where he’d never forget.

When Kaidan came, Joker lost his breath. The tensing of his muscles, the bliss in his eyes, the feeling of his cum spattering over them both – it was the most perfect moment Joker could imagine. In that moment, he couldn’t even pretend to himself that this was just sex, that his attraction to Kaidan had always just been about his ass or his eyes or his six-pack. He loved Kaidan – was in love with Kaidan – and it was scary and unreal and wonderful. But it was also too much; after tonight they’d go their separate ways, and Kaidan would think about him every now and again, maybe even wank off to the memory of tonight, but that would be all. Whereas Joker, if he wasn’t careful, would keep on looking for Kaidan in every guy he met and end up living the rest of his life alone. He had to cut away, hard and fast, before he dug himself any deeper.

Kaidan was watching him, chest heaving as he came down from his orgasmic high. “Whatcha thinking about?” he asked, husky and rough.

_Marry me._ “I guess you really missed me, huh?”

Kaidan laughed. “Guess so.” He climbed off the chair, careful not to jostle Joker, and fetched cleansing wipes for them both. “How long is your leave, anyway?”

“We ship out 0900 Tuesday,” Joker said, concentrating on cleaning his stomach so he wouldn’t have to look at those searching brown eyes.

“So that’s…what, 56 hours from now,” Kaidan said. “If you want…well, maybe not.”

“What?” Joker asked sharply, too keen but powerless not to react.

“I just thought…my apartment’s a little impersonal but probably better than your quarterhouse…and honestly, it’s nice to see a familiar face after…everything.” Kaidan tailed off, endearingly awkward.

“Are you asking me to move in with you, Kaidan? Don’t you think we’re moving a little fast?” Joker asked, playing it up to make Kaidan smile.

“It was just a thought,” Kaidan said, but he didn’t look as disinterested as he was trying to sound.

“You do have a pretty sweet view,” Joker said slowly, his brain screaming at him to get out but his gut telling him to stay. “And you must have bacon in the house, which is my favourite breakfast…ooh, and I bet you buy that fancy ass coffee that you have to grind yourself, right?”

“Right on all counts,” Kaidan said, smiling.

“Then I guess I could stick around,” Joker said, affecting a casual shrug.

Kaidan’s smile widened. “Great.” He came closer, leaning down again for a kiss, pausing only long enough to murmur, “And yeah, I really did miss you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Estalfaed, who requested the prompt, "I could really use a fuck right now" for this pairing. Thanks for asking, my lovely friend, I hope this is what you wanted x
> 
> This was written for Rare Pair Day of Kaidan Porn Week on Tumblr, check out @spectrekaidanalenko for more smutty goodness :)


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